U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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