There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
