I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
