I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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