I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Every concussion has its silver lining
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
