Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
