I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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