So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
