it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
