i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
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