I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
