If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I supernannyed him into submission
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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