My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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