i'm signing you up for texting rehab
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
