the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
