we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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