The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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