I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
