I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
