You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
