A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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