I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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