so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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