Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
