If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
