he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
