So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
