my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
