The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
