Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
