If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize