In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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