We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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