I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
just tell him i said nine months
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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