Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
