one two three fourrrrnication!
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
