im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
