i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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