He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
