You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
