My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
