'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
