you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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