Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
