My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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