Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
