the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
