Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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