i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
