Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
