I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
