ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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