I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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