My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
