New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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