i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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