the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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