i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
