you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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