My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
